if you've followed me for any length of time you'll probably know that i was definitely not always a healthy and/or fit person. I grew up pretty active playing soccer and teaching swim lessons and the like, but not eating very well. I wasn't really overweight, but i definitely was not the smallest person in school. After college, I lost all direction, got pretty sad, ate like shit, stopped exercising, and gained weight.
it took almost a year after i graduated from college to actually recognize that i wanted to make a change instead of just wallowing in self-pity.
I lost about 50 lbs over about 9 months doing outrageous amounts of cardio and eating no where near enough food. Though I did lose the weight and got to a "healthy" range of bodyweight but i did it in a really unhealthy way and as soon as i started eating normally again... i gained weight back (shocker).
over the last couple of years, through trial and error i have kind of figured out how i feel best eating and training. i have also gotten SO MUCH stronger since i started eating more to fuel my training properly. over the past 4 months i've competed in 2 kettlebell competitions and raced a half marathon... and hit PRs in all of those.
but i've also gained weight. and it SUCKS. it is very easy to talk about body positivity and that you should love your body at any size but it is so hard to do in reality.
Like, objectively I know that I am not overweight and that many people would find me VERY annoying to hear me complain about my body. and i know that I am probably the most healthy than I ever have been in my entire life... but i can't help but just constantly be worried about those extra 10 lbs that I have on my body. and how it's more than i was, and how it looks. (not even how it feels, cause i honestly, i feel strong and healthy).
And I know those lbs are made up of more than just fat; I know part of that gain is probably some muscle because I am far stronger than I was a year ago. And I know part of it is fat. I also know that my weight gain is coming from the food i'm eating, the strength i've gained, the sleep i'm getting, the stress i'm feeling, and SO MANY other things. And I would like to say that I'm at peace with that, but I AM NOT.
As a person, gaining weight sucks. As a personal trainer, it sucks. I feel like I am supposed to be fitter and look better. and i don't. i feel like i look pretty average. and some days i feel like i look way less than average.
The great thing about fitness is how you can get to feel so strong and healthy. You can genuinely make a positive impact on your life through fitness.
The not great thing is the media that surrounds fitness. There are so many unrealistic expectations put on our bodies. So many photoshopped instagram models that make you feel like you should look a certain way. Or that this specific way of eating is gonna make you feel amazing. or this specific exercise is gonna sculpt your body. and most of it is convoluted bullshit. and i know that.
AND YET
i still continue to feel like i am not enough, that i should be doing more or eating less to look a certain way.
and i would like to end this post with a heroic triumph and saying that i now don't care what people think of me. but that's not true. i do not have the answers. at all.
but here's what i do have to say, it's okay. you don't have to feel good everyday. you can feel bad sometimes. there's this crazy expectation to always feel good or to always love yourself or to always be motivated. but that just doesn't seem realistic
some days or weeks or however long are gonna be hard. i don't know if you'll be better for it or stronger or whatever. but we'll get through it, at any rate.
i know this isn't like any of my normal posts here, but I think that it's important to share this part of the experience. it would be exceptionally easy to just show the happy, easy, motivated times. but that's not how it works typically, even as someone who works in the fitness industry. and even as (maybe especially as?) a trainer, there's a lot of pressure to look a very specific way that only a few people can actually attain and maintain in a healthy manner. and it is SUPER hard to let that image/number/physique you have in mind go. for everyone. you're not alone in that. we're not alone in that. and it takes practice and work to be at peace with your body.
here are a few people i follow that help me to work on that better:
@dothehotpants @bodyposipanda @newmoonrd @sundaesforthesoul @kenziebrenna @jessihaggertyrd to name a few :)
i think this post was probably fairly repetitive and erratic but it's out in the world now so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
onto another day!