6+ months of intuitive eating

so ~ starting in January I began intuitive eating and a month later i wrote a post about my struggles and successes with intuitive eating, but since I have been going for almost 7 full months now, I figured it was time for a follow up post. 

Struggles:  

 There have been MANY days where I've looked down at my stomach and been not pleased with myself. Especially because Facebook and Google like to remind me that I was 10-15 lbs lighter a year ago. 

I have thought about restarting dieting multiple times throughout this process because I know I could do it and diet my way back to the weight I was previously. 

but that's not the point of intuitive eating, it's supposed to be food freedom, not a weight loss gimmick. which is definitely a shift in reasoning from how I was eating before and it's something I'm working on changing my brain around on regularly. 

Honestly, most of my struggles with intuitive eating has been with my own body image and weight . Which is an ongoing struggle, and I don't think it's gonna be fixed in 6 months. And even when I'm doing well with this all the time, there will still be bad days. Body image isn't something that's fixed overnight. But I do think that I am starting to have slightly more good days than bad days. Which is something.

Successes:

Most of my experience with intuitive eating has been good though! i have really enjoyed the freedom around food that I've had. And to be frank, my eating didn't drastically change. I eat a lot of the same foods because I like those foods. 

But, i have also added more into my diet! I have tried new marinades, I've baked more, I will have hella carbs and not stress about it, and I enjoy eating foods that I used to feel guilty about. 

I know I'm eating more than I was a year ago, but I feel like I'm fueling my body better.  

I am SO much stronger than I was a couple years ago or a year ago or even 6 months ago. And that's largely due to my strength programming but I know a contributing factor is the fact that I'm not in a caloric deficit so I'm able to build muscle.  

And its really nice not too feel guilty around food. Some days that's not the case, but most days I can eat the foods that make me feel good even it has carbs or sugar or chocolate or fat or whatever.

Beyond the food things, I know I mentioned the weight gain but it hasn't been a huge gain. It does feel like it was a lot, but when I started onto this whole intuitive eating thing I was coming off an entire month of illness so I was at a lower weight than I had typically been, so it's about 8-9 lbs since then but probably only 3-4 lbs realistically. And I don't think I've gained much of anything over the past few months (though I haven't been weighing myself regularly to be sure). 

 Another great success I've had has been with figuring out my hunger a lot better. I'm slowly getting more comfortable with eating when I'm hungry and then actually stopping before I'm so stuffed I feel terrible and just stopping when I'm satisfied. 

So a lot of positive things coming from from intuitive eating, and honestly it gets better as I get more practice with it. 

honestly, if you're interested in trying out intuitive eating I would give it a shot. It's been a process and it's not easy but the benefits of intuitive eating are many and learning how to really fuel your body in the way your body wants & needs to be fueled. If you have questions and/ or need support feel free to reach out to me at my Facebook page, Instagram, or in the comments below! 

fitness & body image

if you've followed me for any length of time you'll probably know that i was definitely not always a healthy and/or fit person. I grew up pretty active playing soccer and teaching swim lessons and the like, but not eating very well. I wasn't really overweight, but i definitely was not the smallest person in school. After college, I lost all direction, got pretty sad, ate like shit, stopped exercising, and gained weight. 

it took almost a year after i graduated from college to actually recognize that i wanted to make a change instead of just wallowing in self-pity. 

I lost about 50 lbs over about 9 months doing outrageous amounts of cardio and eating no where near enough food. Though I did lose the weight and got to a "healthy" range of bodyweight but i did it in a really unhealthy way and as soon as i started eating normally again... i gained weight back (shocker). 

over the last couple of years, through trial and error i have kind of figured out how i feel best eating and training. i have also gotten SO MUCH stronger since i started eating more to fuel my training properly. over the past 4 months i've competed in 2 kettlebell competitions and raced a half marathon... and hit PRs in all of those. 

but i've also gained weight. and it SUCKS. it is very easy to talk about body positivity and that you should love your body at any size but it is so hard to do in reality. 

Like, objectively I know that I am not overweight and that many people would find me VERY annoying to hear me complain about my body. and i know that I am probably the most healthy than I ever have been in my entire life... but i can't help but just constantly be worried about those extra 10 lbs that I have on my body. and how it's more than i was, and how it looks. (not even how it feels, cause i honestly, i feel strong and healthy). 

And I know those lbs are made up of more than just fat; I know part of that gain is probably some muscle because I am far stronger than I was a year ago. And I know part of it is fat. I also know that my weight gain is coming from the food i'm eating, the strength i've gained, the sleep i'm getting, the stress i'm feeling, and SO MANY other things. And I would like to say that I'm at peace with that, but I AM NOT. 

As a person, gaining weight sucks. As a personal trainer, it sucks. I feel like I am supposed to be fitter and look better. and i don't. i feel like i look pretty average. and some days i feel like i look way less than average. 

The great thing about fitness is how you can get to feel so strong and healthy. You can genuinely make a positive impact on your life through fitness.

The not great thing is the media that surrounds fitness. There are so many unrealistic expectations put on our bodies. So many photoshopped instagram models that  make you feel like you should look a certain way. Or that this specific way of eating is gonna make you feel amazing. or this specific exercise is gonna sculpt your body. and most of it is convoluted bullshit. and i know that. 

AND YET

i still continue to feel like i am not enough, that i should be doing more or eating less to look a certain way.  

and i would like to end this post with a heroic triumph and saying that i now don't care what people think of me. but that's not true. i do not have the answers. at all. 

but here's what i do have to say, it's okay. you don't have to feel good everyday. you can feel bad sometimes. there's this crazy expectation to always feel good or to always love yourself or to always be motivated. but that just doesn't seem realistic

some days or weeks or however long are gonna be hard. i don't know if you'll be better for it or stronger or whatever. but we'll get through it, at any rate.

i know this isn't like any of my normal posts here, but I think that it's important to share this part of the experience. it would be exceptionally easy to just show the happy, easy, motivated times. but that's not how it works typically, even as someone who works in the fitness industry. and even as (maybe especially as?)  a trainer, there's a lot of pressure to look a very specific way that only a few people can actually attain and maintain in a healthy manner. and it is SUPER hard to let that image/number/physique you have in mind go. for everyone. you're not alone in that. we're not alone in that. and it takes practice and work to be at peace with your body. 

here are a few people i follow that help me to work on that better: 

@dothehotpants @bodyposipanda @newmoonrd @sundaesforthesoul @kenziebrenna @jessihaggertyrd to name a few :) 

i think this post was probably fairly repetitive and erratic but it's out in the world now so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

onto another day! 

WAKSC Cali Open/ World Championships KB Competition

If you didn't know, last weekend I got to compete in my second kettlebell competition. But honestly, I don't know how you wouldn't have known cause i was talking about it nonstop. Like,  an obnoxious amount. (No regrets, but i know that I was talking about it a lot).

I competed in long cycle (for the first time with double bells) and snatch. All 12 kg bells. 

Training was with my badass and super amazing coach Brittany (@kbfitbritt) at Kor Strength and Conditioning (@mykorstrength). Literally couldn't have done it without them. If you're wanting to get into KB Sport, definitely shoot Britt a message cause she's awesome. 

So my goals this time around were: 

Long Cycle - Finishing the full 10 mins, over 70 reps 

Snatch - over 200 reps 

Long Cycle: 

Set: Finished with 75 reps! Had a few ugly reps but I found a pretty decent rhythm throughout the set and I was able to push myself the last minute! 

Long Cycle takes a pretty good amount of cardio & I feel pretty solid on my cardio. Definitely was feeling fatigue in that last couple of minutes (longest I had gone with 2x12kg was 8 mins) but my thought process is, if I can convince myself to run for 2 hours, I can convince myself to keep lifting for however more minutes ! :) 

Long Cycle was also great because I had Britt there the whole time coaching me through it, and even though I definitely zone out during my sets, I definitely appreciated having her there reminding me to keep my form and head straight throughout the set.

Results: 
Rank 1, Overall 2 

Snatch: 

Set: finished with a whopping 229 reps!!!!!! 

Absolutely destroyed my goal and I was/am SO proud of myself! It was the best  set of kettlebell lifting that i have ever had. I went in with a goal, and i was absolutely determined to beat that goal. I pushed myself really hard and I felt really strong throughout the set. I was wayyy more nervous for this set than I was for the Long Cycle set because I had set such high expectations for myself. But with my training, and the support of my team (if you watch the video you can hear them, mostly marian ( <3 @marianjhart) dan (@musclehipster) and JJ) cheering and yelling throughout the set) I hit and exceeded my goal. shout out to JJ for filming this set (@jjsavestheday) 

one of the best parts of that video is after the set... the counter couldn't keep up with me, so I thought I had hit 212... but then he came up and showed me the official count which was the 229 and you can see my eyes double in size.

So proud of that set. 

Rank 1, Overall 1. 

(beat second place by about 50 reps!) 

Overall, this was SUCH a fun weekend. 

Beyond my own sets, my team did awesome and I got to watch my friends hit their goals and lift crazy weights and I love it. I love getting to see people be successful in their sets. One of the best parts of kettlebell sport is how supportive everyone is and everyone is rooting for each other. It is such a cool environment to be in. AND I got to meet SO MANY cool people that I have been following on IG and I got to see SO MANY badass people lift. I got the opportunity to see some of the best lifters in the world compete which was so cool and so inspiring. Legitimately gets me so excited to keep pushing myself to get better for the next one.

If you have questions about Kettlebell Sport, leave'em in the comments below! Or send me a message on instagram and/or facebook page!  If you want to start training for something you're excited about and need some guidance... send me a message or check out my program packages!