fitness & body image

if you've followed me for any length of time you'll probably know that i was definitely not always a healthy and/or fit person. I grew up pretty active playing soccer and teaching swim lessons and the like, but not eating very well. I wasn't really overweight, but i definitely was not the smallest person in school. After college, I lost all direction, got pretty sad, ate like shit, stopped exercising, and gained weight. 

it took almost a year after i graduated from college to actually recognize that i wanted to make a change instead of just wallowing in self-pity. 

I lost about 50 lbs over about 9 months doing outrageous amounts of cardio and eating no where near enough food. Though I did lose the weight and got to a "healthy" range of bodyweight but i did it in a really unhealthy way and as soon as i started eating normally again... i gained weight back (shocker). 

over the last couple of years, through trial and error i have kind of figured out how i feel best eating and training. i have also gotten SO MUCH stronger since i started eating more to fuel my training properly. over the past 4 months i've competed in 2 kettlebell competitions and raced a half marathon... and hit PRs in all of those. 

but i've also gained weight. and it SUCKS. it is very easy to talk about body positivity and that you should love your body at any size but it is so hard to do in reality. 

Like, objectively I know that I am not overweight and that many people would find me VERY annoying to hear me complain about my body. and i know that I am probably the most healthy than I ever have been in my entire life... but i can't help but just constantly be worried about those extra 10 lbs that I have on my body. and how it's more than i was, and how it looks. (not even how it feels, cause i honestly, i feel strong and healthy). 

And I know those lbs are made up of more than just fat; I know part of that gain is probably some muscle because I am far stronger than I was a year ago. And I know part of it is fat. I also know that my weight gain is coming from the food i'm eating, the strength i've gained, the sleep i'm getting, the stress i'm feeling, and SO MANY other things. And I would like to say that I'm at peace with that, but I AM NOT. 

As a person, gaining weight sucks. As a personal trainer, it sucks. I feel like I am supposed to be fitter and look better. and i don't. i feel like i look pretty average. and some days i feel like i look way less than average. 

The great thing about fitness is how you can get to feel so strong and healthy. You can genuinely make a positive impact on your life through fitness.

The not great thing is the media that surrounds fitness. There are so many unrealistic expectations put on our bodies. So many photoshopped instagram models that  make you feel like you should look a certain way. Or that this specific way of eating is gonna make you feel amazing. or this specific exercise is gonna sculpt your body. and most of it is convoluted bullshit. and i know that. 

AND YET

i still continue to feel like i am not enough, that i should be doing more or eating less to look a certain way.  

and i would like to end this post with a heroic triumph and saying that i now don't care what people think of me. but that's not true. i do not have the answers. at all. 

but here's what i do have to say, it's okay. you don't have to feel good everyday. you can feel bad sometimes. there's this crazy expectation to always feel good or to always love yourself or to always be motivated. but that just doesn't seem realistic

some days or weeks or however long are gonna be hard. i don't know if you'll be better for it or stronger or whatever. but we'll get through it, at any rate.

i know this isn't like any of my normal posts here, but I think that it's important to share this part of the experience. it would be exceptionally easy to just show the happy, easy, motivated times. but that's not how it works typically, even as someone who works in the fitness industry. and even as (maybe especially as?)  a trainer, there's a lot of pressure to look a very specific way that only a few people can actually attain and maintain in a healthy manner. and it is SUPER hard to let that image/number/physique you have in mind go. for everyone. you're not alone in that. we're not alone in that. and it takes practice and work to be at peace with your body. 

here are a few people i follow that help me to work on that better: 

@dothehotpants @bodyposipanda @newmoonrd @sundaesforthesoul @kenziebrenna @jessihaggertyrd to name a few :) 

i think this post was probably fairly repetitive and erratic but it's out in the world now so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

onto another day! 

my first month of intuitive eating

so to start 2018 off i decided i was going to stop dieting, stop counting calories, stop counting macros because 1) i was tired and bored with it, 2) i didn't want to be constantly promoting a dieting lifestyle to my sister and her friends, 3) i don't want to be constantly promoting dieting to clients cause who knows what they've been through and 4) i really, genuinely needed a change in my life. 

so here we are at about a month down of intuitive eating feeling pretty good! so i thought i would talk about what i've changed from what i was doing before and how that's effected me and my training and life. 

first off, what the heck is intuitive eating?? 

intuitive eating is basically "normal" eating. no tracking, no guilt, no values attached to foods, no rules. the official definition is: an approach developed to help people heal from the side effects of chronic dieting, an intuitive eater is a person who makes food choices without experiencing guilt or an ethical dilemma, honors hunger, respects fullness, and enjoys the pleasure of eating. (via benourished.org). 

which seems pretty simple at first glance but most people have had various food rules for their entire life. what foods are "good" or "bad" and have never not had some sort of rules attached to eating. for me, i don't remember a time where there wasn't some voice in the back of my head telling me that i should/shouldn't eat something because of whatever rules i had created for myself. and for almost for the last three years I was actively tracking every calorie, then every macro i was eating almost every single day. 

so here are the changes i made when i switched over to intuitive eating: 

1.  stopped tracking my calorie intake. 
   1. Obviously. No logging food. Which was weird cause I typically just did it on habit/routine. So I had to stop myself a few times. 
2. stopped logging my exercise
   1. this was a big one for me. i really like seeing that big calorie burn number so i think this was the biggest adjustment and also the best change i made. i would keep working out just to keep burning calories even when it wasn't productive anymore. so this has been such a positive change in my life. 
3. listened to my body's cues and cravings
   1. though i had been listening to my hunger cues before, it was a little different in this case. like, i almost always listened to my body and only ate when i was hungry throughout the day but i would also stop eating even if i was hungry towards the end of the day. so with intuitive eating, i allowed myself to eat food later in the day if i was hungry 
   2. cravings~ one of the biggest things about dieting is constantly fighting your cravings. and so now i just ate the foods i wanted without stressing about the calorie intake. i ate regular ass pancakes, chili dogs, snow cones, pizza,  regular ice cream, french fries,  and didn't feel bad about it. but also, i ate lots of nutritious regular foods. eggs, avocado toast, chicken, veggies, and rice. it all balanced out real quick. 

and what changes did i feel? 

1. my workouts felt better. i have been eating more carbs than i was previously. like, i wasn't ever restricting carbs, but i found that i have been eating more than i was before and that it felt great. ALSO - i have been eating less cheese and dairy and fats in general. i noticed that it wasn't making me feel as great so i stopped eating them as much. and i have felt the difference. 
2. i have been less stressed about food. (obviously). i used to spend a lot of time thinking about food... and i do still tbh, cause i like food, but i'm not thinking about how many calories are in food... i'm more excited to get to eat tasty foods! 
3. weight. i am pretty sure i have gained weight over the past month... but i have also basically stopped weighing myself as often. so i am not stressed about it, like i have been in the past. mind you, i would like to stay lean... but listening to my body may mean there is some weight gain involved until i get this all figured out and learning to be okay with that is really cool and gonna be better for my health long term way more than pushing my body to a lower weight just cause i see a number i don't like on the scale.

so that's my first month of intuitive eating down, and a lifetime to go. i am very happy i made the switch! i have a lot more to learn, but i feel like this can get me in a better place to help more people with their health and fitness goals in a productive way. it's tough to relearn your eating habits, but these are skills that are needed to last a lifetime and i'm looking forward to how this can help me grow and help me help more people in achieving their goals in a healthy way. 

have questions or comments?? leave them in the comments below or on facebook or isntagram! 

need a little more guidance on your fitness journey? check out my training packages here or email me at tiffnessfitness@gmail.com so we can start working together to start achieving your goals! 

my first kettlebell competiton!

if you follow me on any of my social media (which i am gonna assume you do if you are reading this) you'll know that this weekend was my first kettlebell competition! it was SO MUCH fun and now I am so ready to do another one (once my hand is all healed up, tbh)! 

this post is basically gonna be a wrap up of my sets and how i feel about them. also i need somewhere to post all the great pictures and videos I got from it.  

all my prep for deck the bells came from my bad ass coach, Brittany van Schravendijk (i am so hoping I spelt that correctly), also known as @kbfitbritt and I did most of my actual kettlebell sport workouts at Kor Strength and Conditioning in North Park. 

All of the following pictures and videos are taken by my awesome boyfriend Colt Magana. Video is on a GoPro Hero 5 Session, pictures on a Google Pixel 2! 

Snatch Set! 

10 mins, with a 12kg bell! 

This is the event that I was really training for over the past 5 months. 

My goal was 200 reps (I hit 198! :) ) 

below is the full video if you want to watch me swing a bell for 10 mins straight 

I am outrageously proud of myself for this set, because it was my first ever competition set. I was straight up shaking when i got up to the platform... and probably throughout my first few minutes too...and maybe after. (i'm only kinda joking there)

i don't think i thought throughout this set anything other than, "breathe" and "OK" to my coach's cues. i was concerned that i was going to slip into some sort of negative self talk, but we did go through a lot of mental prep with Britt, so I had plans on plans so I wouldn't do that. and the plan A mental game plan went great. and because I had SO much adrenaline going it knocked out my cough that i has been fighting off for the last week and a half. (woo!) 

most helpful, was the cues from my coach and teammates. SO appreciated that. and by the last minute I was able to rep it out really fast that last minute. I think I hit like 25 reps that last minute which is pretty solid for me. And then I hit 198 reps! Which is a PR for myself! 

onto my One Arm Long Cycle! (clean & jerk)  12kg, for 5 mins. I hit 59 reps! First in my flight, and 3rd overall! 

Not something I really trained for as much as snatch. I did practice clean and jerk a lot on my own, with hardstyle bells more so than comp bells, but it clearly translated pretty well! 

this one I had an audience outside of my team and Colt cause my friend Josh and his lovely ladyfriend Ashley came and watched me! :) 

here is the whole set for your viewing pleasure: 

I didn't have as much coaching in this event, but i felt really solid throughout it, and it was 5 minutes, and I felt really good during the set. Long cycle is just a lot of breathing, so it was just getting into that breathing rhythm and sticking with that. 

so i was and am very happy with how that set went! 

so, all in all, i had a great first comp! i am really proud of how i performed and really excited to do another comp! i learned SO MUCH about kettlebell sport and all the scoring and just little things i didn't know and I got to see amazing lifters do amazing things, which was and is SO inspiring for me to keep on going with this sport! shout out to my awesome team and for all the awesome performances that came out of Deck the Bells! legit, got to see a woman break the world record on 2x20kg long cycle.so amazing. so excited i got to do my first comp in the kettlebell world with my home gym, full of all sorts of great people! 

onto the next! 

if you are interested in following my future kettlebell lifting comps or if you want to kick off your own fitness journey check me out on instagram and facebook and drop me a line!